The Parenting Cookbook

David Ausubel, an American psychologist and authority on addiction, stressed the importance of certain types of unsatisfactory parent-child relationships as a major pre-disposing factor in the development of a personality type that was opiate-prone. Unfortunately, Ausubel was unable to specify which type of unsatisfactory parent-child relationships had, or might have, such effects.

A decade later, research efforts conducted at Woodside Hospital in Youngstown, Ohio, examined, evaluated, and isolated factors within the parent-child relationship which are common to the opiate-dependent population. That research project assessed by race and sex the child-rearing practices of opiate-dependent subjects who were quantitatively controlled as to length and degree of opiate dependence, separated by means of the Parent-Child Relations Questionnaire (PCR ll) developed by Roe and Siegelman, and compared in a planned statistical analysis to diverse control samples. The subjects rated both mother and father in regard to five behavior categories which represent factors: Attention; Demanding; Rejecting; Casual and Loving. The one factor which was common to the Opiate Group was found to be heavy maternal demand, in the form of excessively high standards of accomplishment in particular areas, manners, schoolwork, chores, etc. Such mothers impose strict regulations, require unquestioning obedience, and are highly punitive. They expect the child to be busy at all times at some useful activity. They restrict friendships in accordance with these standards. They do not try to find out what their child is thinking or feeling; they tell him what to think or feel. This description emphasizes the factor that distinguishes the opiate dependent-subject's mother from normal control groups.

The combination finding of high mother love and low mother rejection experienced by black male addicts was not found in the white male sample, which indicates that the white male opiate abuser experienced excessive maternal demand in its purest form. The basic etiology for chronic opiate dependency is therefore felt to lie in this aspect of the parent-child relationship. Females both white and black also experienced that high maternal demand, while also showing high father rejection.

The first significant adult with whom a person must interact to achieve satisfaction is his/her mother. The extent to which he/she is successful or unsuccessful in these interactions is no doubt associated with the development of a mode of interacting with the environment - i. e., the flavor of the mother- child interaction sets the stage for subsequent interpersonal interactions. The available evidence indicates that the point of origin or "seed of addiction" is an excess of maternal demand. Also found was the fact that all opiate groups reported having an ineffectual or absent father figure. The study proposed some theoretical implications that influenced personality development for the individual which if unresolved will constitute central aspects of an opiate-prone personality, such as:

1. The child will develop intense feelings of incompetency. He/she will fail to attain a level of performance acceptable to his/her demanding parent and will continually feel that he/she has not attained anything meaningful, always falling short of his/her unrealistically high criteria for success. The diagnostic category most applicable to him/her is that of the inadequate personality.
2. The child, as the result of excessive demand, becomes irresponsible, avoiding demanding situations of any type. Since maturity demands that an individual assume responsibility for their self, proceed toward occupational goals, and live in accordance with the rules of society, it can be seen that the opiate abuser does not mature but rather prefers to remain immature and irresponsible. Opiates permit his/her justified irresponsibility because they decrease the dissonance with his/her self-structure; i.e., their rather low perception of self is bolstered to approach the unrealistic ideal self while under the influence of opiates. lt seems that two of the illusions the opiate provides (feelings of omnipotency and grandiosity) serve to justify his/her irresponsibility and immature behavior. This introduces the concept of justified irresponsibility which, in essence, merely states that opiates, by providing the abuser with a chemically fortified feeling of adequacy, reduce the pressures of parents, peers, and society that demand responsible adult behavior.
3. The child will become excessively demanding of his/her peer group or, for that matter, of anyone with whom he/she has interpersonal dealings. These demands will be unrealistic and just as unobtainable as the demands placed on him/her by the excessively demanding mother. The disruption of interpersonal experiences, and the conflicts that result from the child's continual disappointment when others do not live up to their unrealistic demands, only increase the feeling of inadequacy. ln a sense they project the demands that were placed on them to peers, parents, and even society.
4. The potential opiate abuser may be predisposed not necessarily toward opiate dependency but rather toward the development of hopelessness, an emotion falling between rage and fear that immobilizes the individual, rendering him/her without an adequate response to conflict situations. He/she then is susceptible to anything that may render some sense of oblivion or otherwise resolve the feeling of hopelessness.
5. The child rejects the identity of his father as weak and inappropriate. They see little in the father that is worthy of praise and loathes the father for his inability to take up his own responsibilities. The child thus develops a contempt for authority which, now generalized is vented against any authority figure in society. The inability to deal with authority figures and the establishment of unrealistically high goals, added to the fact that the father is an inappropriate male-model, cause the child to gravitate towards failure.

Female opiate subjects produced statistically high scores on "Father Demand" and "Father Rejection" along with high "Mother Demand" and "Mother Attention". The high mother attentiveness suggests that the mothers gave the children's interests first priority. They were very demanding but at the same time indulgent, providing special privileges and attempting to demonstrate affection by being over- affectionate' The mothers restricted friendships in accord with their standards and rarely permitted the child to visit other homes without them. They protected the child from other children and from experiences in which she might suffer disappointment or discomfort or injury. They were highly intrusive and expected the child to tell them all about what she was thinking and experiencing, while at the same time they dictated and demanded that their own feelings and biases be adopted by the child. such a mother must have been an awesome and demanding figure within the home. The female, on her part, fails to feminize and adopts the demanding character of the mother. perhaps this is why the daughters perceived the father as highly rejecting. The father, apparently dominated by the demands of his wife, resents and rejects these same dernands when they begin to be manifested by the daughter. His behavior becomes more than demanding; it becomes rejecting. He becomes and remains rejecting of any childish behavior and rejects the daughter as an individual. He is cold and hostile and derogates and makes fun of her, preying on her inadequacies and problems, He is often absent from the home, never spends time with the child, and often restricts her playmates from entering the house. He is contemptuous and indifferent to the child's point of view. He develops regulations that are not for the sake of training the child, but for protecting him from her intrusions.

Her attempts to dominate the group and satisfy her psychic needs by placing unrealistic demands on others is a continual source of irritation to others and hence of frustration for herself. She experiences a never-ending sequence of disappointments the most significant of which revolve around the continued rejection she experiences from men. Embittered and resentful, she finds solace in the fact that she is appreciated by at least one type of man - the male opiate abuser. His need structure is such that he is easily dominated while at the same time adept at manipulating her demands into situations in which he is not perceived as rejecting.

ln view of the overwhelming statistical confirmation that opiate abusers experience unique and unsatisfactory parent-child relationships chiefly characterized by a dominant and excessively demanding mother, it now seems appropriate to attempt to re-educate such parents by making resources available to them. They are the "carriers" of opiate dependency who, while not succumbing to this dreaded affliction themselves, create opiate-proneness in their children.

Parenting is a difficult task and the above is just one example where untrained parents have gone awry. The essential ingredients to be found in The Parenting Cookbook is not about food, but is a recipe which will empower all parents to avoid doing a poor job.

Research indicates the true seeds of hard core opiate addiction develop from early childhood rearing practices, which predispose personalities to become opiate prone. An encouraging aspect is that not all who try opiates will become hard core addicts, contrary to the common conception. Most drug abusers are poly-drug (many drugs) users and experimenters. The poly-drug user may become dependent on opiates but are different than those who cannot do without opiates. Hard core opiate addicts continue their addiction because opiates provide them with specific results that augment an inadequate personality. Opiates provide them with some semblance of adequacy, creating the illusion of being all powerful. Scientific study has proven that the specific type of child rearing practice connected to the development of a personality that is inadequate and opiate prone has to do with children raised in an atmosphere marked by excessive maternal demand. It should be noted, that maternal demand, in itself, does not negatively damage normal personality development, but when it becomes excessive, it then works to destroy the child’s feelings of confidence, which morphs into making that child opiate prone. The overly demanding mother, however, usually has the belief that her demanding ways are essential to the child’s development and thus overdoes it. The phrase, “Too much of a good thing is a bad thing” comes to mind.

In an effort to better identify what constitutes parental demand, review the following parenting actions that fall into the demand category.

1. Punished me hard enough when I misbehaved to make sure I would not do it again.
2. Took away my toys and playthings when I was bad.
3. Made it clear that she was the boss.
4. Slapped or struck me when I behaved badly.
5. Would not let me play with other children when I was bad.
6. Demanded unquestioning respect.
7. Punished me by being more strict about the rules and regulations.
8. Would not let me question her reasoning.
9. Wanted to have complete control over my activities.
10. Expected prompt and unquestioning obedience.

Opiate addicts who turned out to not be able to resist that drug affirmed mostly all of these items, on the PCR-II test, as being experienced as “Very True” verses the more normal rating of either “Tended to be true” or “Tended to be untrue.”

So, what does “tone down” really mean and how might the informed mom seek to capture the good result of rearing a responsible child as opposed to a child who ends up suffering from feelings of inadequacy.

First, a mom would do better if she avoided punishment altogether. This can be accomplished by application of natural and logical consequences. (These methods are more fully discussed—in a separate section of this web site). Here the mother observes that the child has made a bad choice that resulted in not showing up on time. She then avoids relying on destructive verbal condemnation by imposing a natural or logical consequence. The application of which is not verbal, but action orientated, meaning something other than “talk” takes place. Here, for example, the child being late for dinner would receive no tongue lashing followed by a tasty meal, rather, she would simply not feed the child. The mother, simply, sets no plate for the child explaining that the child could eat again at breakfast. It is not a punishment, but merely a logical consequence connected to the child being late.

The taking away of playthings is definitely a punishment but may have no connection with the misbehavior. The child will only feel unfairly punished. If, for example, the child does not put items away, then such issues may be better resolved using a logical consequence. The mother picks the toys up herself and places them into an off-limits box for a week, without verbal assault, thus transforming the child’s failure to pick up toys into a logical consequence. She might even charge them a small fee taken out of their allowance for having to pick up after they failed to do so themselves.

The excessive demand of mom insisting on being The Boss, might be transformed into establishing a more democratic household where parents and children hold weekly family meetings. This is termed a weekly family council meetings. (Also discussed in a separate section) At these meetings the misbehavior would openly be explored followed by a vote taken regarding the family imposed consequence. This lets mom off the hook and promotes family unity.

Physical punishment should never be used to correct children unless it is used as a logical consequence. An action such as this might be appropriate if that child hurt another physically. It should, however, be voted on by the family and only follow if physical hurt occurred to another family member. Here the family might choose to get creative and allow the victim to take a couple of swats, to even up the score.

Not being allowed to play with others gets converted to a logical consequence when the child was abusive to others. Here, the child is not allowed to play with others until he/she understands how they were abusive and verbally agrees to stop such behavior. When the child confesses and states what he/she did wrong, forgiveness is granted and the child is given another chance.

I certainly agree that children need to learn how to respect authority. Once learned that trait will transform into respecting adults, teachers, relatives, bosses, and even the police. Learning respect is critical and may even save your child from drastic outcomes, such as being shot over a traffic stop. The better way to establish this is to provide respect to the child at all times. Perhaps, a logical consequence for correcting the disrespectful child would be to stop doing what you do for the child until he/she becomes more respectful. When the child chooses to be respectful, he/she would then get what he/she has been getting for free. In other words, go on strike until you get the same respect you give the child.

House rules are a good thing. Rather than imposing more strict rules, perhaps it may be better to call the child out at the weekly meetings, where the family will impose a logical consequence. Being corrected by the group verses the commander and chief, will work towards improving compliance and enhances family unity.

When mom’s reasoning is questioned, that too should be taken to the weekly meeting and resolved via family wisdom. At the meeting the child can present their argument where justice will prevail. This experience will work and allow sound reasoning to be protected through the democratic process as opposed to tyrannical rule.

Complete control of a child is impossible and destructive. Children must be permitted to repeatedly make decisions and if they, on their own, choose to do the wrong thing, answer to a natural or logical consequence. This leads to the development of good decision making in the future. The home should never be a prison and the freedom to pick and choose to do right is only learned if bad choices are dealt with in a democratically spirited fashion.

Lastly, the idea of prompt and unquestioning obedience is a formula that results in causing the child to be a “yes” person. When a child engages in a fight for power, it will make the parent angry. The ensuing fight for power is seldom won by the parent, because children do not play fair. It would be better, to not say another word, but remove oneself from the child immediately, then figure out what logical consequence to apply.

Wise parents accept that even the best child will misbehave and that application of excessive demands on a child will only serve to sabotage the development of a successful personality. They, also, understand that caring, encouragement and acceptance are more effective than pressure, criticism, and conditional love in turning out a mentally healthy adult.