Avoid punishment – The only children who respond to punishment are those who do not need it. When we use punishment children may respond briefly, but it will not last. What you will get is defiance because you are teaching children that they too have the same right to punish when their needs are not met. Mutual retaliations then will fill your home. Your goal should be to abandon punishment and replace it with the application of logical or natural consequences. This will replace punishment with the needs of reality, not with the power of the parent. More about this later.
A better formula for children is to treat them with kindness and with firmness. Kindness will yield cooperation and firmness will yield respect.
Your ability to use encouragement will only enhance your efforts to gain the cooperation of the child. The teachings of Doctor Driekurs are helpful and the flavor of encouragement is well expressed by his nine point suggestions.
In order to provide encouragement you must place value on the child.
This is accomplished by shows of faith in the child and enables him/her to have faith in themselves.
You should sincerely believe in the child’s ability and that will win confidence while building self-respect.
Recognizing a job “well done” will give recognition for effort.
The family group should be used to facilitate and enhance the development of the child.
You should use the group concept so that each child can be sure of his/her place in the group.
To assure success, work at the development of your child’s skills sequentially. That means taking them one at a time and moving forward only when skills are demonstrated.
It is important to recognize and focus on strengths and assets. This yields confidence.
Use the interests of the child to energize constructive activity.
Emphasize the task not the results. If you emphasize the task itself rather than the outcome the child will want to learn. If you just concentrate on the outcome the child will do the task only if he gets the reward in the end. Praise of the performance during the task will help give the idea that the work itself is worthwhile. The child will then be more inspired to try harder.
Avoid rewards and punishments. Rewards only train the child to do something if he gets something in return. Punishment as mentioned above only works to discourage the child from making another effort. Try encouragement when the child fails, it will assure cooperation.
Disinvolvement is important when conflict occurs. One must learn to withdraw from the child’s provocation but not the child. Misbehavior and deliberate deficiency should be ignored and it would be better to study what the child is seeking. Motives of attention, power, and sympathy are common goals. Remember, temper tantrums become meaningless if there is not audience. Fights between children are usually staged for the parents’ benefit and are settled fast if the children are left to their own devices.
It is best for parents to learn when not to talk. Try to be quiet because talking is extremely ineffective and results in making the child “mother deaf.” In order to encourage the child to take on responsibility, it is better to give it to him. Too much talking only educates the child as to ways to outsmart the parent.
Don’t threaten the child. Threats reduce respect for the parent in the child’s thinking. The parent should tell the child once, in a firm and friendly voice, what is wanted. If there is no response, don’t talk any more, take action.
Do avoid competition between children. The good child will be good because he wants to be better and the bad child will get gratification because he gains status and power. Treat the children as a group and let each take responsibility for what each has done wrong. This will teach each one, to be his brother’s keeper.
Don’t feel sorry for the child. Pity and sympathy is often harmful. Providing such teaches the child that he has the right to feel sorry for himself and nobody is as miserable as one who feels sorry for himself. Such behavior greatly undermines the child’s ability to participate and contribute.
Do avoid overprotecting the child. Such behavior only causes discouragement and humiliation. It will prevent the child from counting on his/ her own strengths.
Do not overemphasize the child’s fears. Express understanding, but no special concern. A dependent child is a tyrant who uses real or assumed weaknesses to put others in his/her service. They will become independent and self-reliant when the parents, stop providing service and assistance.
Do pick an area to work on. Try not to solve all problems at once, it will only result in war. Select one area of behavior and work on that until some success has been achieved. It is best to avoid the primary concern and concentrate on a side area, an easy area where success is more likely. If the child is able to solve this small issue, he/she may decide that positive behavior is better and many negative behaviors will disappear.
Don’t use physical punishment any more than necessary. It only frightens children into acquiescence, or at least stops that behavior for a while. Physical punishment intensifies the child’s determination to win in the end and brings forth the child’s anger, humiliation, and revenge. Such behaviors as stealing, lying, and bullying will follow and the idea that violence is the only logical way to solve problems is put into place. Perhaps the only situation where a spanking is in order is when the child has seriously hurt a younger child. With less extreme matters it is better to only separate the two, because the victim quickly learns how to make the older child hit him in order to get the parent to act as an enforcer. Sending both out to fight it out, "We will have no fighting in the house", "take it outside", will promote cooperation. The parent should privately instruct the older child not to hurt the younger, but only apply enough force to get the younger to say something like "I give"; the older child will love this after the younger realizes the parent will not step-in, the younger child will choose to stop initiating the fights. Both will be allowed to re-enter the house, only when the younger yields; claims of unfairness can be discussed at family council meetings.
Do use the family council. A democratic family meets at least once a week and that is where everybody has a chance to express problems and ideas. The family then can discuss chores and problem behavior. The group then can vote on what needs to happen or get done. Discussions need to be free and open and every member of the family should be entitled to their say and vote. The chairman should rotate so the children do not feel the meetings are always controlled by the parents. The family council is one of the best ways of teaching children how to evaluate adequately the problems which come up in families. It is important for children to understand that responsibilities around the home belong not only to parents.